


EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO HEAVEN, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DIE

by jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: -malicious cackling-, -ugly laughter-, Angst, F/F, Gen, M/M, angsty mc angst angst, im a despicable human being, its going to fucking hurt, light em up up up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:36:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1478251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle/pseuds/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>hold me close, don't let go, watch me burn...</i>
</p><p>The war for humanity has been won, all that's left now is to end the last of the titans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO HEAVEN, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DIE

**Author's Note:**

> listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohXmIcCHT9o) song okay. this was the whole inspiration.

“Of course, you’re all expected to be on the platform.” Historia’s voice was soft as ever, even so she stood there, commanding the highest ranking officers of the military as if it was only natural to her. Pixis, Erwin, and even Nile shifted uncomfortable, assenting reluctantly. “You, too, Levi. As humanity’s strongest, you’re expected there for the…”

Levi curled his lip up at her. “For the show.” He leaned against the wall, arms crossed and closed in on himself, refusing to look at the small queen. “You want we revered soldiers to stand at attention as you lead the lamb to slaughter, and for what?” Clicking his tongue, he pushed off the beam, moving close to Historia. “I’ll have no part in this show of yours.”

He didn’t wait for a response as he stepped off the edge of the stage, taking no more than a few steps before he noticed people already beginning to gather. Biting his lip hard enough that the bitter taste of iron assaulted his taste buds, he turned to face the stage. He couldn’t stand to look at the people, the humans he had fought and lost so much to save, who were now asking their very savior to be martyred. Nor could he stand the way his comrades casually talked about standing arrangements as some shitty underlings built the would-be pyre.

_Burned at the stake…? Like the witches of old...like a would-be demon._

Even over the increasingly growing crowd – first to arrive would have better seats after all – Historia’s voice seemed to float to his ears. Or maybe it was the ever-repeated memory of that night…

* * *

“This is bullshit!”

Levi’s voice echoed through the Recon Corps Headquarters, the thud of the soft of his fist pounding into the table resounding louder than his words, tea cups clanking and candle light wavering. He knew he didn’t often lose control over the seemingly unbreakable stoic facade that he chose to hide behind. Easier to hide than face everything he had lost with an open heart.

He knew that his heart was on his sleeve, something few were partial to experiencing, but he couldn’t be bothered to have a fuck to give. He also knew it felt like someone was sitting on his chest and put his stomach in a blender and the only thing keeping him from vomiting was the fact that his heart seemed to have lodged in his throat. His skin burned, his knuckles were white from clenching his fists and at this point he wondered if he’d even be able to relax them again.

“This is bullshit.” Levi repeated through clenched teeth, steely eyes locked on Historia’s blue ones.

Her eyes were slightly wide, stance tense. She was afraid, and rightly so. If killing her would stop this from happening, well Levi couldn’t really say he wouldn’t do it. Unless Mikasa beat him to it. And judging by the way she was glowering like some kind of demon, she was thinking the same thing.

He watched carefully as Historia seemed to falter; this wasn’t her idea. Ymir came to her side, placing a dark hand on her shoulder and smiling softly at her. The freckled shifter had returned on the day of Historia’s coronation, and had aptly been given a position that didn’t exist simply because she refused to leave her queen’s side. She was issued a new jacket, one with the wings of freedom placed behind a sword and a crown. The queen’s guard dog, her knight. Her own personal titan.

“Levi…I’m…it’s what—”

“It’s what your people want, I heard you the first fucking time. I don’t give one sorry ounce of shit what they want. This is bullshit and you know it. It’s wrong.”

Mikasa pushed Armin off of her, stepping forward to speak. “Levi’s right.” Well that was something he never thought he’d hear. “What’s the point? What difference will it make?” It was obvious with the way she worried her scarf that she was fighting back throwing a chair at the once goddess in front of them.

“Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to have someone with his abilities on hand for future emergencies?” Armin, with his logic that made a whole hell of a lot more sense than anything their queen was saying. And really, even if Levi was fighting this on an emotional level, he knew Armin was right. If it was logic that won over morality, well who was he to argue?

Levi’s eyes locked on Nile as he moved to speak, stopping as a large hand pushed against his chest to stop him and speak in his place.

“We’ve tried to calm the masses, tried to reassure them that Eren isn’t dangerous. He was the key to saving humanity, and every single person within these walls knows it. Even so…panic has begun to spread. Panic, doubt, disquiet. There’s already talk amongst the people…without the threat of titans looming over them, they’ve grown…bold.” Erwin sighed, avoiding looking Levi in the eye. “If this isn’t done, there will be riots, an uprising…”

Levi was quiet, hanging his head solemnly as an eerie silence grew heavy in the room. He couldn’t turn to Mikasa or Armin; how would he ever be able to face them again if he let their brother die?

“They want the threat that has haunted humanity for centuries abolished. And they want to see it, to be part of it. The death of the last titan.”

Levi’s head snapped up at Nile’s words, ignoring the growl that Erwin turned toward his once-brother-in-arms. Steel eyes honed in on Historia, and he couldn’t deny that it gave him some semblance of pleasure the way she flinched back in fear.

“The last titan? And what about her!?” He jabbed a finger unceremoniously toward Ymir, who stood her ground flawlessly. “What about your fucking _titan_ girlfriend!?”

“They—they don’t know she’s—she isn’t—“ Historia’s brow furrowed in a way he had never seen, a keen determination filling her eyes as she balled her small fists and stepped toward Levi in a way that said ‘challenge your Queen, I dare you.’ “She is my knight, and my lover, and that is all they know and all they’ll ever know.”

It was a threat, an obvious one, and a challenge to humanity’s strongest, a title that rang hollow with the threat of titans gone. It was a challenge Levi was more than willing to meet; she may have been queen, but she wasn’t _his_ queen. He didn’t hesitate to grip her collar of her dress, pulling her close to him and lifting her to her toes.

“ _So you want to sit on the throne that we put you on, giving orders and absolution, naming your girlfriend untouchable while sending my—”_

“I’ll go.”

Levi felt his gut wrench and he fought down bile at the quiet sound of that voice. Had he been listening this whole time? He dropped her, not caring that she lost her footing as he turned to look into those green eyes, his throat seeming to close on itself and refusing him protest.

“I’ll do it.” His voice was steadier this time, but Levi wondered how much of it was an act. “I’ve died a thousand times for the sake of humanity,” A soft, hollow smile spread over his face, “What’s once more?”

“Thank you, Eren. And…I’m sor—”

“Don’t.” Eren’s voice was harsh, animalistic. “I won’t spend my remaining hours listening to the false apologies of the puppet queen.” He turned from her; any camaraderie of the 104th between them long since vanished. She was sentencing him to be her martyr, and it was clear to everyone that he didn’t have a single fuck to give if his words hurt her.

“Eren…” Levi took a step toward him, stopping as he turned to take near silent steps toward his siblings, his fingers barely brushing against his captain’s. The raven took in a shaky breath as he watched his lover be embraced by his brother and sister, the last family any of them had.

_Of course he’d want to spend the last of his time with them…_

It was almost surreal the way his feet carried him from the room, an odd floating feeling of being not-quite-there. His body moved on its own as his vision swam and the reality of what was going to happen sinking in. Pain shot through his knees as they became intimately acquainted with the wooden floors, the cool rock against his forehead doing little to calm the burning beneath his skin, in his body, the way his skin was cool but his intestines threatened to boil.

His stomach churned on overdrive and bile assaulted the back of his tongue, his chest heaved and Levi’s eyes were wide, unblinking as his desperately tried to remember how to breathe but failed. Every time he seemed close to the most basic how-to of body functions, he would hear it again.

_What’s once more?_

Levi’s torso clenched in on itself, his lips parted and he swore he felt his stomach push into his lungs as he retched. There was nothing. Spittle dripped from his mouth onto the floor, his arms clawing at the concrete as his stomach refused to relax and he scrabbled for purchase, unable to breathe. He gasped harshly, the sharp intake of air seeming to slice at his throat and lungs only to be pushed down once against. His stomach contracted and his body heaved and he retched up nothingness, his entire body aching for release and finding none.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay collapsed there — seconds, minutes, hours? — his body _burned_ and eyes blurred with tears. He didn’t even know when the ability to breathe had suddenly returned to him, or how a woman who barely outweighed him managed to carry him down the corridor and return him to the chambers he shared with Eren. He only vaguely remembered her wiping his face with a wet rag, a sad smile on her face as she murmured something about him being ‘filthy’, giving his hand a gentle squeeze before leaving him.

He sat in silence, on the edge of his bed, hands in his lap. He couldn’t pull his eyes from them, as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. He couldn’t even be bothered with his chagrin at the way his feet dangled from the edge of the bed they shared.  

It came as a surprise when the bed shifted, a weight pushing down on the mattress next to him, and warm, tanned fingers slid between his. He didn’t move, didn’t turn to look at the owner of those hands he knew better than his own. He didn't speak; really, how could he face him after that?

“Are you scared?”

Levi let out a small, mirthless laugh. “That’s my line.”

“I’m not.” His smile was soft, genuine, and Levi couldn’t help but be stunned with disbelief when he looked into the beautiful green eyes he’d come to love so much. “Because I know I have you to take care of me.”

Levi’s normally stoic expression seemed to be devoured by hurt, regret, and guilt. Mostly guilt. “Eren, I can’t—” His voice was swallowed by lips that weren’t his own, a whisper of a kiss that turned into a smiling Eren.

“I know.”

Any further arguments Levi could’ve made died on his lips when Eren captured them. It didn’t matter how much he just wanted to curl into a ball and cry, or start a rebellion. All that mattered were those warm lips pressed to his, the beating heart he could feel in the chest that wasn’t his own. He would remember this.

He would remember every breath and sigh, every touch, every kiss. Every whimper and moan, the pain as clawing fingers marked his back and teeth claimed his throat. The way his name rolled of those kiss-swollen lips, followed by panted out ‘I love you’s. The way he writhed, the way his cheeks flushed and his green eyes seemed to glow in the aftermath.

The way he curled against Levi, head on his chest listening to the lulling of his heartbeat, legs entangled and fingers entwined, bodies fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. The way his chest heaved as he tried to calm his lungs. The way warm lips would pepper his collarbone, his own fingers finding purchase in the mess of dark brown locks.

“Levi…”

Levi swallowed hard, closing his eyes against the solemn, maybe scared, voice. “What is it, brat?”

“Levi, I don’t…”

He could feel the hand in his own begin to tremble, squeezing it gently and holding it against his chest. “Eren…”

“Will you…” Eren bit his lip, refusing to quite look at Levi. “Promise me something?” Levi only hummed, running his fingers through the dark hair and hoping to give him even the littlest comfort. “Will you do it?”

Levi felt himself blanch. “What.”

“Please…” Eren’s voice was barely a whisper as he seemed to curl further into Levi’s side. “Will you be the one to kill me?”

There was silence, Eren trembling in his arms and Levi wishing he was stronger than he was. Humanity’s strongest meant little when you were fighting against humanity itself. Squeezing his hand gently, the older man pressed his lips to the dark fingers he held.

“I promise.”

Eren turned to him, a soft, genuine smile gracing his lips, even reaching into his tear-filled eyes. He didn’t hesitate to press his lips to Levi’s, hard, desperate, his tears falling onto the pale face of his lover.

“It’ll be okay, if it’s you.”

* * *

Levi’s attention snapped him back from his memories as the crowd roared and his eyes lifted to see Eren being led across the stage. His hands were left unbound, and he stared out at the people unflinching. It was as if he was screaming ‘here I am, come get me.’ The captain would have smiled, proud, if the circumstances had been different. But they weren’t.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away, no matter how much he wanted to, as Nile solemnly led Eren to the center of the pyre that had been built ‘in his honor.’ His hands were pulled behind him, wrists bound to the large pole at his back. Sentenced to burn at the stake, a lamb to the slaughter. Yet he was no witch, no titan. Eren was inarguably, irrefutably _human_. The very fact that he was here, and by choice, proved him more human than any other soul within these putrid Walls.

Eren’s eyes found him, trained on him, as Historia spoke. Neither of them were listening to the lies she spewed for the sake of the crowd, though she at least had the decency to remind them that the very person they were entertained to see burn was the same person who had been their very hope. Even so, none of that mattered.

Eren was there, in front of him. His expression unreadable, his eyes swirling with so many emotions that Levi could no longer distinguish between them. Anger, hurt, betrayal. The raven would expect nothing less, yet they were all aimed at him and no one else. He closed his eyes slowly, a small smirk on his lips.

_He thinks I betrayed him…_

Levi looked up at Eren, a small smile on his lips as he drew his blades and climbed onto the stage. There was a unified gasp from the crowd, murmurs and cries of ‘traitor’ being thrown at the person they once revered as their hero. Historia didn’t move toward him, and he ignored the calls of Erwin from beside her as they watched a man they knew could kill them before they could speak mercy.

With a careful swipe of his blade, Eren’s hands were freed and he collapsed against him, bodies pressing together as their arms desperately clung to one another. The brunet’s breath was hot against his neck, and he was certain he felt wet tears against his skin.

“I thought—I thought you were going to—”

Levi squeezed him tighter, swallowing down his own tears and blocking out everything but the man in his arms. “Eren, I can’t save you.” He felt lean arms wrap tighter around his neck, the taller body curling into his as if to hug him with his entire being.

“I know.” Eren pulled back, tear-streaked cheeks pulling into a smile and green eyes no longer showing anything but gratitude, love. “I said its okay as long as it’s you, remember?”

Levi nodded slowly, still fighting back his own tears. His body trembled and he felt himself crumple to his knees, Eren doing the same in his arms. He pressed his forehead to the other’s, closing his eyes and forcing a mere whisper to push from his lips.

“I love you, Eren.” His fingers slid into the thick, dark hair, pulling him into a heavy, desperate kiss and keeping him there. The body in his arms flinched, a wave of tension sliding through it the only proof that he had pierced the soft tissue below his ribs. Sliding his blade from Eren’s body, the brunet laid his head against his shoulder, slowly shifting to curl against him.

“Eren..? Eren!” Levi’s voice was frantic as he pressed his hand against the wound in Eren’s stomach, watching the blood seep into his military uniform, hoping against hope to see steam start to rise from the hemorrhage. “Eren, come on! Heal, Eren!” He didn’t care about protocol, or appearance, or the fact that humanity was watching their hero fall. All he cared about was in his arms, bleeding out.

Eren smiled, skin paling as the blood pooled beneath him. He slid his hand down to Levi’s, pulling it to his chest as his voice came out shaky and wet.

“Hold me close. Don’t let go.” Eren coughed, bloody spittle pushing from his lips.

Levi could do nothing but do as he was asked, pulling Eren close to his body, rocking him in his arms as he fought down the fear and the anger and the despair. That wasn’t what he wanted to be Eren’s last memory.

“I love you, Levi…” The voice was quiet, fractured by tears as weak fingers squeezed at the bloody ones he held.

“Eren…Eren! Stay with me!” Levi couldn’t believe that Eren was smiling at him, how could he be smiling? How could he be happy? It didn’t matter; he could see the blood draining and the light fading. He pressed his lips desperately to Eren’s, over and over, brushing his dark hair from his face as if touch alone could save him.

Eren’s smile weakened, “Thank you, Levi…”

“Eren, I love you. I love you, I love you, Eren, please, don’t…I love you, Eren. I love you, I love you, I love you…” The words faded into whispers, broken as he pressed his lips to lips that no longer responded, his eyes avoiding those that no longer shined up at him.

It wasn’t until a large hand squeezed his shoulder that he realized Erwin was at his side, and the audience was staring at him in awe, fear, maybe disgust?

_Disgust? ...Disgust! How dare—_

“ _Isn’t this what you wanted!? To see him dead!? To martyr the very man who saved you filth!?_ ”

“Levi.”

“No.” He pulled from Erwin’s grip, sliding his arms under Eren’s thighs and around his shoulders as he pushed to his feet. He turned to the audience, fighting the urge to spat at them. “He was a hero, more human than any of you could hope to be. I won’t have him burned for trash like you; he’s not your entertainment!” He shifted Eren in his arms, holding him close to his body. “He’ll have the funeral of the kings of old.” He could feel his jaw clench as he turned to look at Historia, ignoring the tears that streaked her fair cheeks. “A funeral _none_ of you could hope to deserve.”

* * *

In the time that followed, Levi never once let go of Eren’s body. Even when Mikasa and Armin saw him, even as the tears streaked their cheeks, or the rest of his comrades tried to do something, anything to relieve the captain of his burden, he refused. Even as they rode, he held him close to his body, fighting back every urge to scream and sob because the body in his arms no longer held the warmth that he had become so accustomed to.

He could feel himself becoming numb; the only feeling was the grip that held Eren to him, and the odd stickiness that was the drying blood in his clothes. He hadn’t even noticed how far they had traveled, or that the sun was lowering on the horizon. He had let his horse carry him, the thundering of hooves in his ears as he and the small group of Recon Corps passed outside of the Walls and toward the coast.

They arrived as the sky began to dim from red to purple. Slowly, he slid from his mount, carrying Eren with him. He simply curled around him, burying his face in his cold neck and awaited someone to tell him it was time. That someone ended up being Hanji. Reluctantly, Levi stood and carried his lover to the boat that was settled on the coast. It was filled with brush that seemed to cushion Eren as he laid him on it.

Stepping back, he watched as each of the 104th, as well as Hanji, Moblit, and Erwin, took their turns saying their goodbyes. Most of them only laid flowers around him, giving him the appearance of resting in a bed of blooms. Some who were closer added more.

Jean laid a picture of the original squad Levi next to Eren; it was intended to be his birthday present this year, the taller man choking back a sob as he murmured something that sounded like ‘they’ve been waiting for you.’  Armin, tears streaming down his cheeks, laid the book that his grandpa had given him on Erens’ chest. It had been the beginning, it was only right that it was with him in the end.

Slowly, Mikasa stepped up next to the blond. Her body shook as sobs pushed unbidden from her chest and tears fell freely down her raw cheeks. She sniffed as she pulled the scarf down from over her nose that was red to match. Movements slow, she unwound it from her neck, gently wrapping it around Eren’s neck. Leaning down, she kissed his forehead, mouthing what Levi though was ‘until next time.’

And then there was one. Levi took a heavy breath, his feet moving on their own as they carried him to the side of the boat. He could almost have smiled; Eren looked beautiful, surrounded by flawless blooms. It was as if he had just laid down in a field, and would wake up and joke about Levi being so serious all the time. But this time…this time he wouldn’t wake up.

Swallowing hard, Levi dug a trembling hand into his pocket. He pulled one of Eren’s cold hands to his lips, kissing his fingers gently. Carefully, he slid a small, silver band onto the third finger of the brunet’s hand before placing it back on his chest, not quite letting it go.

“I always wanted to give it to you…I guess…maybe I was scared.” Levi covered his mouth as a half-broken sob pushed from his lips. He laid his head on Eren’s chest, squeezing his hand. “Wait for me, Eren,” He moved his lips slowly to the brunet’s cold ones. “I love you.”

Darkness slipped over them, the chill sinking into his bones, but no one spoke as he spent the last moments he’d ever have with the man he loved. “I love you, Eren.” He whispered once more before turning, finding the others standing at the coast with a candle in hand.

With the help of Erwin and Jean, he pushed the boat into the water, watching as it slowly drifted farther out. The air was still, as if even the skies were mourning the loss, and the only sound was that of a few broken sobs and the soft crashing of waves. One by one, they set their candles in the water, watching as they drifted after their friend, brother, lover.

With great effort, Levi nodded to Sasha. Turning steadily, she aimed an arrow toward the boat in the distance. Fighting her tears, she released the arrow, a light streaking through the air as it hit home, lighting the pyre ablaze. Slowly, each of the mourners began to return home, until he was alone.

Tears slowly running down his cheeks, his eyes narrowed as he refused to tear them away from the small glow on the horizon. “I’ll take care of them, don’t worry. Just…wait a little longer, okay?”

**Author's Note:**

> i regret nothing ~~i cried writing this~~


End file.
